"So, what do you like in bed?" I asked Lila. "What do you want a man to do to you?"
Lila and I had just started dating a few weeks before and had been intimate at least once already. We were on the phone late one night having what was on its way to becoming a steamy discussion. As had been my style up until then, I would always ask my ladies what they enjoyed doing or having done to them in bed. I asked Lila the same question.
“I don’t want to tell you that,” she replied.
“Why not???” I asked incredulous.
“Well, that puts me in control of a game I don’t want to be in control of,” she replied.
I had never heard a response like that before. It definitely stuck out, which is why all these years later, I remember it verbatim.
But that wasn’t all. As a sexual partner, Lila was very satisfying. The interesting part, though, was that she wasn’t doing anything particularly different in bed. There was just something inexplicably satisfying about the way she surrendered herself to me that was compelling, to say the least.
In addition to that, whenever I would ask her if she enjoyed herself, she would—without even answering the question about her own satisfaction—immediately ask me “Did you like it?” She was an interesting girl, to say the least.
One day, while driving around town with my friend, EJ, I started talking about Lila. I told him about our conversation on the phone that night, and some of the other things she said and did. What EJ said next changed my life.
“She sounds like a sub,” he offered, matter-of-factly.
“A sub?” I asked. “What’s a sub?” (And the rest, as they say, is history!)
That evening, based on EJ’s suggestion, I went online to castlerealm.com, and what I discovered changed my life! It was a website about the whole D/s lifestyle. I looked at all the characteristics, and almost every one of them was like reading a description of my girlfriend! Lila was a classic “submissive.”
I spent hours browsing that site and learned a lot about myself and Lila. One of the things I learned was it wasn’t effective to ask a sub what she wanted you to do. If the woman you are dealing with is a true sub, then asking her what she wants is a no no. Subs don’t, can’t or won’t tell you what to do because that’s just entirely NOT how they are wired.
It was suggested instead that to communicate effectively with a sub, you don’t ask “what do you want me to do?” You ask: “How do you want to feel?”
So, the next time we spoke, I asked Lila exactly that.
“How do you want to feel?”
Without a moment’s hesitation, she responded excitedly, “I want to feel ravaged!”
From that day forward, I saw myself differently. I saw women differently. I saw sex differently. I saw the world and the whole dating and mating game through an entirely new set of eyes. I realized that I’d been looking through the wrong lens for all my dating and mating life. I thought about my previous girlfriends—who were all probably subs to some degree—mentally reviewing all the things they may have been trying to communicate to me about their desires. I might have been attracted to subs, but I probably wasn’t giving them what they really wanted or needed.
I wouldn’t say this revelation made me more of “a man” per se. It simply made me more aware of who I was as a lover. I understood my preferences a bit more. I had a name for what I was looking for, what turned me on, what I liked in my women. That had the added effect of making my style and behavior more masculine and more of a turn-on for the women I was already attracting and attracted to.
It was eye opening, and I wanted to share what I was learning with everyone I knew! So, a few days later, I found myself on the phone with another friend. Danielle and I had met a while back, and we liked each other. I found her cute and fascinating, but…
I grew up in New York. I hated it, but I guess I’ve been fortunate. Of all the things I’ve ever listed about how bad life was in the states, at least I never had to end that list with “…and my dick is too small.